{ I lie to my therapist }

I don't know how to deal with being hurt.  Is it one of those things you get better at with experience?  Because I don't want to be good at it. 

I also don't understand people and their intentions.  If you let me into your life, into your bed (or where ever we might be) and into your body I will be honest and respectful.  Those aren't even things that should be up for negotiation.  Some people obviously weren't raised right.

Everyone has been hurt.  
We're all damaged. 
You're pain isn't an excuse to cause others pain.  Instead focus your time on healing yourself.

why is love so confusing?

Growing up I always thought love was easy.  That it just happened, you didn't have to work that hard to get or keep it because it just existed, it just was.  I imagined I would find someone who I had a lot in common with and we would just click and that would be that. 

Damn, I was so wrong.

Love is so hard.  Love is so dangerous. 

We think love can save people, that it can fix things, that it heals all prior wounds, but it doesn't.

I don't mean to sound as though I don't love love because I do.  I've just been hurt enough to know to use caution and to have realistic expectations.  Though a part of me deep down still wants to find that one person I can tell all my deep dark secrets to and be more relaxed and comfortable then I ever thought possible, to actually feel safe and loved and able to just let go of all the hurt.

Maybe one day...

I miss...

hearing someone I love say they love me


cuddling 


having someone to txt all the funny shit that happens at work to


sex 


someone to run errands with


someone to hold hands with during all those errand


making out

My coffee tastes like sweaty balls.

Dinner at work is always great.

for gina marie...

 

These are the wonderful earrings for Ms. Gina Marie.  I found them in a shop downtown that specializes in one of a kind pieces.  Now I'm in love with them!  I want my own pair. 

Tonight

Lauren bought ME cheesecake

Gina thinks her leopard one piece pjs and head scarf make her look like 2pac

I need more alcohol. Like a lot more.

Yeah, I drink my wine with ice and a straw.

One wall

There is one wall separating me from my ex. The ex that broke my heart. The one who emotionally destroyed me. The one I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. Have a child with. Grow old and die with.

There's one wall, with a door, that separates us.

Even now I miss her. I love her. I wish I could erase time and take us back to before the break up, before things were bad, when we were foolish and in love.

I kind of want to stay in that moment just a little longer. It felt so safe, I felt so safe.

Love is the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

Dinner with Kimber

Dinner and a movie and some fisting

I really needed tonight. It was a lot of fun. We watched a movie about a wolf who was a man but a wolf or something, I don't really know. But I'm sure it was good.

I gave a tutorial of how to properly fist a lady.

I was voted best boobs (again).

I revealed that I am not afraid of menstrual blood. I love me some mango. I can't even taste difference. If your mango is yummy, then it's yummy.

Then I received an amazing massage.

Now I'm laying in bed, wearing tube socks and wrapped up in my warm fuzzy blankets.

Sweet dreams.

Xoxo.

Shoes...

I love these wedge booties so much I bought them in black and grey! Super comfortable too

sofa king excited

two more days left at my current job then starting the new one.
 
it's exciting. it's something new. it's more money.

i took out my piercings, bought clothes that cover my tattoos and dyed my hair a more "natural" red.

i had to remind myself it was a lot more money.


now i get to deal with the fun of switching my insurance over. and of course i've confused myself with it all so i have to ask my mom for help. and tell her about how i've been in therapy and taking an as needed anxiety med. i don't know why but i don't want to tell her. i think i just don't want her to worry about me. i'm fine. really, i am. i started therapy when my crazy ex broke up with me b/c she told me i needed help. my therapist keeps telling me to stop coming to therapy, that i don't need help and that my ex was all kinds of crazy. i know she is right. but yet i keep making appointments. they usually only last 15 mins but i like going. i like the uninterrupted time where i can vent and have someone level headed talk to me if i need it. she mostly just listens. she doesn't tell me i'm crazy (like my ex did) when i tell her things. in fact she tells me i'm normal. that it's normal for people to get stressed out, to get angry, to cry, to feel a dependency to someone you're dating.

i'm also going to ask my mom if i can eat leftovers from thanksgiving or if i need to throw them out. hmm. i need to learn to cook.

i've already slept with all the hot lesbians in this city

i miss being in love

but i don't want to find love

mostly because i don't think it will last

i feel like i'm always the one who loves the other person more

maybe it's just bc i haven't found the person who "gets me"

but maybe i can't let my guard down enough to find her

i need to get out of this city ...